Quick college acceptance update:

Interesting...
For years our high school posted "the list". The list of students and the colleges they decided to go to, this evolved into a giant map of the US with push pins in spots marked with names of the colleges and the kids attending them. The map was in the entry hall...then moved to the guidance office hall, then inside the office, then...
That stopped. Initiated by adults. The thinking was that this was "too much", too difficult for the kids, too stressful for the kids at an already stressful time... We adults know best, was the thinking...

Fast forward....
Over the last few years the seniors in our high school (as in others across the country) have brought their rejection letters into school and posted them on bulletin boards in school....they've "dubbed" this the "wall of shame." Initially, many parents were uncomfortable about this, some were horrified, but the kids' won and there it stands. The thinking there, as explained by several "posters", "misery loves company", you can't take this personally, everyone goes through it ...

Today...
This year's senior class has decided to to something different...they've posted "the list" on Facebook! More and more join everyday. If you go on Facebook and look for Groups, there are numerous groups that have popped up in the last two weeks of different senior classes across the country and their "list." What do the adults think? Clearly the kids don't care, this is their domain, their world, their decisions... and it's "out there"...

We as adults felt more and more uncomfortable with "the list" being posted within the privacy of our own schools' walls, never mind publishing the list somewhere! But our kids have no problem putting it out there for all to see.... interesting ...

What do you think???

May 1st is just around the corner....decision time!

For most May 1st is just another May Day, and that's it, but for those of us who have seniors in high school or had them, you remember; it's decision time, mail in check time, let the college know you're coming time!

What is your kid thinking? How are they making the decision?
Did you send them to or did you go with them to Admit weekend?
Check the college's website?
Did they go on Facebook and join the Class of 2013 page for that school?
Did they talk or text with kids they already know at the college?
Maybe you pulled out that college ranking book yet again....

Your kids have so many different options to try and figure this out. And since it's deadline time, you can't procrastinate much longer, they can't procrastinate much longer. When I think of the ways each of my kids went about this...all so different! If your kid was lucky enough to go back to the school or to Admit weekend in the last month, the question to ask them is: "wasn't it a different feeling than when you were there for the first time?" Now they're in the driver's seat. The college wants them to accept their accept. They've done a very careful, deliberate job accepting them because they help make up a great class. What they bring to the table is unique and is a piece of the puzzle that the college wants. Knowing that helps. So what are they thinking? What I've learned is they walked around the campus, looking at the other kids there, trying to see what kind of stuff seems to be going on. Maybe they went to a class or two, listened to the professor(s), all the time thinking, "can I see myself here? Do I see "my people" here?" They've talked to kids there, or maybe the school did something more organized and they (you) listened to a schpeel (sp?) from the Dean of Admissions, the University President, maybe the Dean of Students. They might have attended a student performance or maybe a lacrosse game. They might have joined in on a frisbee game on the lawn outside of some dorm. Maybe they spent the night on campus....that was an experience in and of itself. ( Just remind them that next year it won't be a sleeping bag on someone's floor, they'll have their own bed.) The whole time thinking, observing and trying NOT to "judge a book by its' cover" but trying to see if they see if this is a fit.

While they were experiencing this some of the things they may be trying to figure out were: if the girls "dress" for classes, ie., wear makeup, do their hair, or is it more casual and kids actually roll out of bed for that 8 or 9am class and wear their PJ bottoms across campus to class.
The questions to ask are: Does any of that matter to you? Do you "have to have" a date for a football game? You laugh, but some schools have this as part of their culture. Appealing to some and not so much to others. What do kids here do to have fun or socialize? Do you "have to" go greek in order to have a good time? Does everybody party downtown? Does that mean you're out of luck until you're 21? Is there a "chem free" dorm? Would that environment make you feel more comfortable? Are there any "theme houses" or dorms? Would that make you feel more comfortable? What about the actual make up of the dorms themselves? Are there coed floors, single sex floors/halls? All freshman dorms? Do you have "guaranteed housing" for 4 years?

These are the kinds of things I think they're thinking about, and in my opinion, they should be....all good stuff. But I know that us parents are thinking about this a little differently...

We're thinking that this is a huge investment. Probably one of the best investments will ever make...their education, but nonetheless a BIG investment. Hopefully, we've done our homework and during the application process we took care of satisfying our own questions about academics, access to professors, opportunities available to our kids, etc. What we're focusing on now is: that it's a safe place. That we're going to be able to see our kid on occasion, either by us traveling there or them coming home. That it's got lots of different options for them. That there are resources on campus to help them be successful. That there is a medical clinic nearby. That they're going to be fed on the weekends. That there are people (adults) around to answer their questions to support them....That WE "see" kids on campus that WE think look like their kind of people...

What happens over the next couple of days is hopefully a meeting of the minds...we parents are trying or should be trying to "let go" (for a moment) and let our kid make the decision, but boy oh boy, we know this is a pretty big decision...and believe me, we chime in, and sometimes we're not even asked. A little retrospect: yes, the decision is a big one. It's important and it is indeed a big financial commitment. But something that is also true, is that everyone's human, nothing is forever and if this doesn't end up working out for whatever reason, your kid can always transfer. Daunting I know, (especially at this particular 'decision time' moment) but knowing loads of people who have switched gears after a year or two.. they didn't just survive, they thrived!

OK, enough procrastinating....get that "check in the mail!"

Senior year, Spring Quarter, high school...

I sure remember this time, do you?
Well, sitting in the parent seat is a wee bit different. My kids will tell you that my 'Mom line", "do you think I was born yesterday?" Is one of those comments where they'd pause for a minute and really think before they said anything...and they sure as heck better be telling me the truth. :) I'm getting ahead of myself...

Observations: Spring quarter senior year is one of those quarters where we hold our breath, keep our fingers crossed and may even pray...those little darlings of ours push the envelope this time of year and if they don't either you're not paying attention, they've got you fooled or you have been truly blessed with an angel! What do I mean by pushing the envelope? Well, it's spring! The snow is gone, the crocuses are up, daylight is longer (thank God!), the birds are chirping and everyone seems to be feeling a little more "robin red breasted". :) You get my drift. Hormones are moving and grooving and our seniors have all heard from their various colleges; decisions have been made, checks have been mailed, stickers on cars, new college T shirts are donned....and "nothing can stop us" seems to be the mantra. "We are invincible," is another one. Hold onto your hats, should be our mantra! This is the time when it's the last....everything. The last game, the last prom, the last musical, the last time I'll get to be with my friends, the last assembly, the last class...the last....If you've had a curfew for your kid, say midnight, "the last" whatever is the classic plea to be allowed to stay out later or to even go. Those big puppy dog eyes pleading with you that they just have to be allowed to stay out all night after prom, "everyone gets to, I can't possibly be the only one who isn't, I'm going to college soon! Mom, please!" Well, you might just acquiesce. I did. They had a point. But that doesn't mean that I didn't hold my breath!

I would be the Mom that called the parents of the home they were allegedly going to, I'd also be the Mom that had yet another "talk" about making good choices, I'd also be the Mom that would tell each of them that no matter what, they could call me anytime of night and I would come and pick them up, no questions asked. Sleep? When do we get to sleep? Certainly not through the night and I'm afraid that's the case every time they come home for vacations or weekends or summers for.....I don't know, ever?!? Geeze, I hope not. But until they're 21, there's angst. And even then, there's angst. But back to senior year.

As we know, they're not invincible and if they do make a poor choice, there are consequences. And depending on the infraction those consequences ratchet up quickly: Be it with their parents, the school or the law. When the school and the law get involved, some of these poor choices can really impact their future...like not going to the college they had planned on, having the infraction on their record, serving time, etc. Not good. Why does everything take on a little clearer edge at this time, well, because most of these seniors are now 18 and that means they are adults. I don't know if it made much of an impression, but I did have that discussion with each of my kids as they celebrated their 18ths, nice Mom, huh?

Hopefully, we've laid a pretty good foundation and they WILL make good decisions. But what with "senior pranks", "senior skip days" and all of that wonderful timeless stuff...we will hold our breath, cross our fingers and maybe even pray!
I KNOW my mother did and I sure did and I expect my kids will too when they're parents...

Transitions...Part Two (College to the Real World)

College to the real world....
Now this transition is really something! Not that the transition from high school to college isn't, but for some reason the "layers" are deeper with this transition. What do I mean? Again, think back...You've graduated from college. Over the course of four years (for most) you now really know the campus, where things are, how to find things, how to access information; you have friends, you've developed a routine. OK, your routine may start at 10/11 a.m. and it may end about 2 in the morning, but it's more or less a routine. You know where you can go to get work done, you know where you can get food (already made), you know where to find your friends, you can usually just walk down the hall of your dorm and there is instant gratification....FRIENDS.... someone else most likely is paying tuition, room and board, or somehow that's taken care of....maybe you've lived off campus for a year so you've experienced some of the semi "real world", but not really. Semi, because there's been some bill paying and juggling who's paying what, who's contacting the landlord, etc. But it's different. It's not really the real world, you still have people around you that know and love you....

OK, now for the real world. Most likely you've moved to a city. You may not know a soul or only know a handful of people and they're not your bffs from college or even high school, maybe you're lucky and some of them are. Nonetheless, they're all spread out all over the city. With any luck your move to the "big city" is because you've got a job there. That's a whole other blog. You've had to figure out how to find an apartment, find a roommate, and that's the tip of the iceberg. The biggest change from your last four years is the instant access to people you know and their proximity to you Your comfort level is on tilt. How do you meet people, how do you meet people you'd like to do stuff with? There's suddenly a realization that the Admissions office of your college did you a huge favor, they provided you with dozens and dozens of people that were potential friends. Now you're on your own.

Your schedule or time clock is so different to what you'd become accustomed to in college. The workplace expects you to be at work and ready to work by 8 or 9 AM. Novel idea, but that means budgeting your time accordingly. Are you a morning exerciser? Or are you better at working out at night? Someone has always told you that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but you haven't actually eaten b'fast for years, at least not while at school, but this whole working thing, makes you hungry. How long does it take to get to work, how are you going to commute there? When do you squeeze in grocery shopping, doing laundry, going to the bank, paying bills, doctor's appointments!!!! The list seems endless. How do you get all of this stuff done AND work AND meet people AND socialize AND exercise...this can be daunting...this can be scary and this can be lonely...and us parents seem to have forgotten this.

The communication shifts. Welcome to the real world!

The workplace: Low man on the totem pole. Nine times out of ten that's usually what they are. So what if they have a college degree, that's assumed. They've got to 'earn" their pay, their place, the respect, responsibility...this is a tough adjustment coming out of a college experience where they've been encouraged to think on their own, take on responsibilities, be in charge of something (a frat, a school newspaper, an RA....), challenge ideas, take risks, try something new, and they're told they can "have it all"...all of which are absolutely part of the college experience, this is a "safe place" to test the waters. But in the workplace, it's different. One of the most challeging factors seems to be age differences: you no longer are surrounded by people all of your same age group. Where your age group is the majority. The people you report to are either Boomers or Gen Xers. Maybe your son or daughter has a job with peers like at Google or Facebook, but that's certainly not the norm. Now your kid has to try to figure out how to "do this" , how to do the work at a satisfactory level, but for whom? For the employer, the boss, the team, themselves? How are you evaluated? How often? Very different than a report card after every semester.

The apartment: assuming there's a roommate: who's responsible for what? The rent? The various utility bills? Calling the landlord when something goes on the fritz? Cleaning the apartment, taking out the garbage...

Meeting people: you don't know anyone. What are your interests and how do you pursue them? Do you socialize with people from work? What about date people from work? Have you ever heard the term, "you shouldn't dip your pen into company ink?" Is that realistic? You spend a lot of time with these people. What happens if you do decide to date someone from work, what happens if it doesn't work out, and there you are, every day, working with that person. How do you get "out there?" Join a workout facility. Volunteer in an area that interests you. Take some classes at night. Join a team. Go to church, temple, a place of worship. More and more museums are focusing on this age group, starting up "social hours."

What's different with Gen Y is gone are the days of 50 years with a company and the gold watch. We haven't seen those days either. These kids aren't taking their first job out of college and thinking they're in it for the long haul. So not only are they transitioning from college to the real world, but they're real world and our definition is different. Somehow we have to each come to terms with how they're going to support themselves. And the pivotal words in that sentence are "support themselves."

They could be telling you that they are headed out of the country to teach english as a second language or they're going to work for Teach for America or the Peace Corps, which is a two year stint. They may say they're headed for the mountains and they're going to try to piece it together working for a ski company or a restaurant or both for a couple of years, trying to get in all of the ski days they can. "What's the rush?" "I have the rest of my life to work?" As a parent you just might envy this thinking, I sure didn't feel it was OK to do this. Bob and I have often said "we want to come back as one of our kids." From where I sit, they've got a pretty good gig. But I don't actually say that (well, I have now), but even in these lousy economic times, they've got neat opportunities. As daunting as this transition is and can be, somehow they survive. As I've said before, listen, lots of listening.....

Transitions....Part One (from High School to College)

I didn't remember how challenging the transition from high school to college was or the challenge of graduating from college and launching into the "real world" was. But I must confess, the memories come rushing back when one of my kids goes through this stage!
First, high school to college...

Think back, you leave the comfort of your own home, your hometown, the use of a car, stocked fridge, laundry magically done and you head off to a place where you MAY know a handful of people, you might not know a soul. There you are in a new/strange place, a dorm room, remember those? About 9X12 if you're lucky, two twin XLs, two desks, two desk chairs, maybe a mini fridge / microwave combo...and that's about it. A roommate from who knows where, a bathroom that you share with probably a dozen others, a cafeteria/dining room (I use the term loosely) where you eat with hundreds, off of a tray, mail delivered to a P.O. Box somewhere....you remember. How often you covered the following questions/topics:
Where are you from?
Is it cold there?
How come you don't have an accent?
Do you know what you're going to major in?
Did you go to public or private?
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Do you play a sport?
Where else did you apply? ....

Ok, now that I've got you reminiscing....put yourself in your kid's shoes. You have to be "on" all the time, or at least it seems that way. You are just getting to know your roommate, meeting kids in your dorm, learning where things are on campus, you're trying to figure out just how much of the reading you HAVE to read for your class to get by/to pass the tests/to get an "A" in the class. (And that in and of itself is a big change from high school where there are rubrics and POWERSCHOOL so you know almost minute by minute how you're doing. In college, there's a midterm and a final, maybe a paper thrown in here and there, but absolutely no idea how you're actually doing.) Then of course, you throw into the mix, doing your own laundry, budgeting all of this "free" time (gone are the days of 8-2 in school), trying to fit in exercise, running errands (how do you get to Target if you don't have a car?), socializing and just how you want to do that (is it frat parties or hanging in your dorm or at the student union???), who exactly are you going to socialize with, and then of course homework, after all academics is the reason you're there, at least that's what we parents say, right?

There's a lot of new adjustments in your kid's life when they start college.

One of the best sessions I attended for parents during "Freshman Orientation" (I put that in quotes because though that's what it was called, it wasn't only for the freshman it was for the parents of freshman too) was at University of Colorado at Boulder. They ran an orientation for parents simultaneously to the freshman's. The topics both groups covered were the same or just about the same, but the delivery was very different. For us parents, one of the sessions was on resources the college had and 'letting go.' Instead of simply providing us with a list of resources (that was enclosed in your packet) they asked for two volunteers. Those folks got up on stage with the facilitator, a college psychiatrist, and role played several different scenarios: you're the student, you're the parent-phone home and complain about your roommate staying up all night with the music blaring or another one, student / parent, different phone call, this time parent tells student that "your father and I are getting a divorce." Whoa! Then this psychiatrist had us all (probably 1000 parents in this large auditorium) count off by 4, she told all #4's to stand. She said that by the time our then freshman graduated 4 years later, this is how many of us would be separated/divorced. Let me tell you, you could hear a pin drop, that was a real show stopper. She went on to tell us that CU Boulder had resources galore for our kids to help them navigate their feelings, emotions, financial concerns, etc. if unfortunately they found themselves in this situation. And just like them, we had resources in our own hometowns as well. She implored us not to "use our children as our couch". In other words, seek professional help or the counsel of friends, but don't use your child as your psychiatrist, marriage counselor or sounding board. Not in this situation. She had witnessed all too many times terrible situations with kids ranging from 18-22+ where they just couldn't handle the emotional stress and strain their parent(s) put on them during this very difficult time in all of their lives. I'll never forget that. She told us and reminded us that we were parents, so "act" like parents.

In each of these scenarios the common thread was accessing resources locally and letting go. In the first scenario, listen and acknowledge what they're saying, ask questions, but don't try to solve their problem for them, encourage them to work it out for themselves, utilizing resources in the dorm, on campus, discussing it with the appropriate people, etc. Another thing that just popped into my head, a woman I know was Dean of Students at Bowdoin College, she once said that her title really should have been "Dean of Parents" because she could count on two hands the number of students that actually came through her door and conversely the number of parents that would call or email her was countless! Bowdoin needed CU's role play and psychiatrist presentation. Though I don't know statistically, I'd guess that CU had pretty good results because of that presentation. Here we are 7 years later and I ran into a fellow parent from then and she and I both talked about how impactful that was and how we took that advice in many aspects of our parenting with our various kids...don't use our kids as our couch and encourage our kids to use their resources...as for the "letting go" piece....
I'm always working on that.... :)

Next blog, the transition from college to the "real world".