That's right, you! I've learned over the years that if you want to see your kids over the holidays (at a reasonable price), you better be actively involved in the reservation making! So if you haven't made those flight reservations for Thanksgiving, you're really pushing the proverbial envelope. I've just checked some websites and to travel Wed. through Sunday of Thanksgiving, fahgetaboutit.... The prices are going up. And going up a lot. And the availability is the pits, unless you want to travel on turkey day, which is a bummer. So if you want to see them over the holidays, get on the computer!
Negotiating these plans is an interesting process. When they're in college, you know when their breaks are and you assume that the holidays "belong to you:" they'll be coming home or meeting you somewhere. When they're in the working world, they only get two or three weeks vacation per year, and you may make the assumption that they of course want to spend their time off with you, but not necessarily....
Thus the negotiations begin! A couple of the added bennies we parents have is that we offer the "traditions they grew up with," we stroke the nostalgia key. Who knows, there's a real possibility we might pick up the tab for their travels? Why not sweeten the pot? We might even offer a "destination" vacation. But you better communicate with your kids about all of this: dates, times they're available to travel, etc. You don't want to experience their wrath if you made the wrong assumption. Assume nothing. Talk to them.
One thing is clear though, if you haven't made those reservations, you better get on it... they're not, I suppose they just assume that you're going to "take care of this" and may even pay for this. But speaking as a past retailer and not being able to go home for Christmas those first several years out of college, I have real empathy. It's a real bummer not to be with family over the holidays, so if you can help your Gen Yer avoid that, do! Make those reservations! It's a good gift!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Parents' Influence!
I'm going to throw something out there. I've been "noodling."
There's been a lot written about marketing to various generations and how kids influence their parents' purchases. As a parent of Gen Yers, let me tell you, we parents influence our kids' purchases!
I'll back up. Way back before Gap Kids, 1980ish, my husband was a Boys' buyer at Macy's California. He convinced a couple of outerwear vendors to make the famous "members only" jacket in boys sizes 8-20, well, they blew out the door. Those little boys didn't like the "Little Lord Font Leroy" peter panned collared stuff." I'm exaggerating a tad, but not much. They wanted to look cool, so when Mom took'em shopping,they'd beg and plead for 'members only' and... you know the rest. Well, that kind of thinking evolved and developed into many different businesses, by many different people. Those little darlings influenced our purchases. Fast forward: Now that our kids are older and the price tags for things they want has escalated exponentially AND they don't like to part with their own dough, our kids turn to us for our help and advice on things.
These kids are very knowledgeable and opinionated about electronic purchases, so they tend to take the reins there, but when it comes to buying a bed, or furniture, or housewares, or a suit, or a car... that's where Mom comes in (or Dad). Now I'm not talking about paying for these items, necessarily. I'm talking about the fact that they call us and ask us for our opinions, our suggestions, our recommendations on those big ticket items, where to go, what websites to check, and nine times out of ten they buy what's suggested.
When it came time for my son to get an "interview suit," he didn't head out on his own to make that purchase, WE went. There I was rummaging through the rounder of suits, picking out the wool gabardines, leading him away from the summer khakis, "a wool gabardine will take you through 9 months, a khaki through 3 AND you'll have this suit for years, it's a classic. This is a much better purchase, more bang for the buck," I said. When my daughter was looking for a dining table, same scenario. Both Mom and Dad went recently to the furniture store with our son when he was buying a bed... these are big purchases, they're long term purchases and our kids look to us for guidance, and oh yes, the possibility that we just may pick up the tab. But it's really that they don't want to "go this alone," not when there's serious money involved.
When your Gen Yer graduates from college; no more furnished dorm room, it's time for that apartment and making choices. There's probably a bunch of stuff they can have from the family home, as long as they provide the U-haul and the brawn, but if they don't live close by, that's not necessarily the best option. Some conversations sound like this: "does it make sense to spend X dollars on a brand new rug for the living room that I'll have for years? or Should I go to Target and pick one up that I may only have for a year or two? Should I spend X dollars for a new bed? My back is killing me after a night on a lousy mattress." Our kids are asking for advice on their benefits packages (401ks, insurance, etc.), they're also asking about their "real world" purchases and let's face it, we have influence!
There's been a lot written about marketing to various generations and how kids influence their parents' purchases. As a parent of Gen Yers, let me tell you, we parents influence our kids' purchases!
I'll back up. Way back before Gap Kids, 1980ish, my husband was a Boys' buyer at Macy's California. He convinced a couple of outerwear vendors to make the famous "members only" jacket in boys sizes 8-20, well, they blew out the door. Those little boys didn't like the "Little Lord Font Leroy" peter panned collared stuff." I'm exaggerating a tad, but not much. They wanted to look cool, so when Mom took'em shopping,they'd beg and plead for 'members only' and... you know the rest. Well, that kind of thinking evolved and developed into many different businesses, by many different people. Those little darlings influenced our purchases. Fast forward: Now that our kids are older and the price tags for things they want has escalated exponentially AND they don't like to part with their own dough, our kids turn to us for our help and advice on things.
These kids are very knowledgeable and opinionated about electronic purchases, so they tend to take the reins there, but when it comes to buying a bed, or furniture, or housewares, or a suit, or a car... that's where Mom comes in (or Dad). Now I'm not talking about paying for these items, necessarily. I'm talking about the fact that they call us and ask us for our opinions, our suggestions, our recommendations on those big ticket items, where to go, what websites to check, and nine times out of ten they buy what's suggested.
When it came time for my son to get an "interview suit," he didn't head out on his own to make that purchase, WE went. There I was rummaging through the rounder of suits, picking out the wool gabardines, leading him away from the summer khakis, "a wool gabardine will take you through 9 months, a khaki through 3 AND you'll have this suit for years, it's a classic. This is a much better purchase, more bang for the buck," I said. When my daughter was looking for a dining table, same scenario. Both Mom and Dad went recently to the furniture store with our son when he was buying a bed... these are big purchases, they're long term purchases and our kids look to us for guidance, and oh yes, the possibility that we just may pick up the tab. But it's really that they don't want to "go this alone," not when there's serious money involved.
When your Gen Yer graduates from college; no more furnished dorm room, it's time for that apartment and making choices. There's probably a bunch of stuff they can have from the family home, as long as they provide the U-haul and the brawn, but if they don't live close by, that's not necessarily the best option. Some conversations sound like this: "does it make sense to spend X dollars on a brand new rug for the living room that I'll have for years? or Should I go to Target and pick one up that I may only have for a year or two? Should I spend X dollars for a new bed? My back is killing me after a night on a lousy mattress." Our kids are asking for advice on their benefits packages (401ks, insurance, etc.), they're also asking about their "real world" purchases and let's face it, we have influence!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
It's Fall!
Fall really starts a new year. For me, that back-to-school timing conjures up the start of something, much more than January 1st does.
I can really feel that new year energy from my kids too. All summer there are varying conversations about the weekends and vacations, and where they're going, who they're going with, but now you don't hear that that much. Instead, it's more future focused conversations. Not my future (why is that?), theirs.
From my college kids I'm already hearing about possible jobs or internships for next summer....wow... They're actually thinking about this stuff! There's talk about majors or trying a class in a new department taught by a professor that they've heard good things about. Really? You mean they actually listened to that tidbit of advice way back when? They're plotting and planning who they want to see and what they want to do over the Christmas break, who they might talk to about an internship or job. I didn't hear any of this stuff over the summer. One of my son's suggested that he was thinking about this stuff "probably because friends of mine here are talking about it." Now this is the kind of peer pressure I like! :)
From my already graduated kids (there's something about the term "college graduate" that makes me think of "The Graduate," sorry, I digress) I'm hearing about how things are revving up at work, business jaunts to NYC (oh, my little executive), new promotions to create....I'm hearing about writing business plans, taking tests for graduate school, lots of new business ideas always percolating...
There's loads of energy! I'd love to bottle this and sell it! I love this time of year!
I can really feel that new year energy from my kids too. All summer there are varying conversations about the weekends and vacations, and where they're going, who they're going with, but now you don't hear that that much. Instead, it's more future focused conversations. Not my future (why is that?), theirs.
From my college kids I'm already hearing about possible jobs or internships for next summer....wow... They're actually thinking about this stuff! There's talk about majors or trying a class in a new department taught by a professor that they've heard good things about. Really? You mean they actually listened to that tidbit of advice way back when? They're plotting and planning who they want to see and what they want to do over the Christmas break, who they might talk to about an internship or job. I didn't hear any of this stuff over the summer. One of my son's suggested that he was thinking about this stuff "probably because friends of mine here are talking about it." Now this is the kind of peer pressure I like! :)
From my already graduated kids (there's something about the term "college graduate" that makes me think of "The Graduate," sorry, I digress) I'm hearing about how things are revving up at work, business jaunts to NYC (oh, my little executive), new promotions to create....I'm hearing about writing business plans, taking tests for graduate school, lots of new business ideas always percolating...
There's loads of energy! I'd love to bottle this and sell it! I love this time of year!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Your Job as Parent.... ongoing!
I remember thinking, when my kids went through middle school, how different it was parenting.
Yes, it was physically busy, transporting them from here to there. Being "on them" about doing their homework. Running around gathering their supplies, their sporting equipment. Going to their games, their performances, attending their science fairs, volunteering on their field trips, chaperoning their dances....the list went on. Very busy. But the shift really was in the emotional quotient piece of parenting. These young people were experiencing real life stuff. Hurt feelings, emotional highs and lows (which usually involved their friends), not making teams, receiving grades for the first time (no longer the "need strengthening stuff", the VG's, etc.)... and all of this stuff would eventually end up at home in some form or other. I remember feeling that I wish I could take on some of their pain, some of their emotions, so they wouldn't have to suffer. I also felt like that, if one of my kids ended up in the emergency room from some injury and they were in pain. Crazy I know.
Well, this role of emotional supporter sure does continue long past middle school, all through high school, through college and long after they've graduated. If you think your role as parent is "done" when they go off to school...wrong! Their "problems" or emotional experiences take on a considerably different ability in parenting. I've found that I've really had to hone my listening skills and I can't take on their pain and upset. The "voice of reason" comes to mind as I'm writing this. No one tells you that as a parent of young adults you're really a jack of all trades: counselor, consultant, psychiatrist, cheerleader, spiritual advisor... there are a million adjectives to use for parenting skills.
It's a big transition to college, and the rest of the college years! This time can bring about big changes in a student's life! It can be the first time they are dealing with a lot of issues: depression, displacement, eating disorders, self confidence issues, friends with problems, divorcing parents, roommates, etc. Even if your child showed no signs of issues with these problems in high school, a lot of times these things pop up in the 4 years of college: more often than you think. So, as a parent, be looking for changes in patterns with your child. It can be anything from changes in voice tone, sleeping schedules, calling home (or not)... it could manifest in any way, you know your child best, and you know what is normal/ not normal for them, so listen and pay attention! If you notice changes, then encourage your kid to talk to someone: use the college counselors, it is not embarrassing, more students use the counselors than you would think, for a wide, wide range of issues, both large and small: anything from feeling homesick, to being stressed, to being worried about a friend, frustrated with a roommate, or just wanting a third party to talk to, they've got support, they've got resources. Encourage your kid to ask.
This is tough stuff, and as a parent of Gey Yers, it's a balancing act too. You have to realize when you're hovering and there too much, and when you have to let them make their own decisions and choices on things. You need to encourage them to use their resources. You're not always going to be there, nor are they going to want you, so they need to know where to seek help and advice if you're not. I'll admit that I have an underlying assumption that as parents, we've laid the foundation. We've been talking to our kids all along, about loads of different stuff. Our kids are used to us asking them how their day was, or "tell me about the game," so as they get older we should be able to talk to them about the tougher stuff too, like sex, drugs, their feelings... We have to have confidence that our kids will make good decisions, based on that foundation; the value system you've helped them establish, will inform those choices, those decisions.
Will there be mistakes, "98 and 3/4% guaranteed", but they'll learn from those (you hope). Just remember, you did!
Yes, it was physically busy, transporting them from here to there. Being "on them" about doing their homework. Running around gathering their supplies, their sporting equipment. Going to their games, their performances, attending their science fairs, volunteering on their field trips, chaperoning their dances....the list went on. Very busy. But the shift really was in the emotional quotient piece of parenting. These young people were experiencing real life stuff. Hurt feelings, emotional highs and lows (which usually involved their friends), not making teams, receiving grades for the first time (no longer the "need strengthening stuff", the VG's, etc.)... and all of this stuff would eventually end up at home in some form or other. I remember feeling that I wish I could take on some of their pain, some of their emotions, so they wouldn't have to suffer. I also felt like that, if one of my kids ended up in the emergency room from some injury and they were in pain. Crazy I know.
Well, this role of emotional supporter sure does continue long past middle school, all through high school, through college and long after they've graduated. If you think your role as parent is "done" when they go off to school...wrong! Their "problems" or emotional experiences take on a considerably different ability in parenting. I've found that I've really had to hone my listening skills and I can't take on their pain and upset. The "voice of reason" comes to mind as I'm writing this. No one tells you that as a parent of young adults you're really a jack of all trades: counselor, consultant, psychiatrist, cheerleader, spiritual advisor... there are a million adjectives to use for parenting skills.
It's a big transition to college, and the rest of the college years! This time can bring about big changes in a student's life! It can be the first time they are dealing with a lot of issues: depression, displacement, eating disorders, self confidence issues, friends with problems, divorcing parents, roommates, etc. Even if your child showed no signs of issues with these problems in high school, a lot of times these things pop up in the 4 years of college: more often than you think. So, as a parent, be looking for changes in patterns with your child. It can be anything from changes in voice tone, sleeping schedules, calling home (or not)... it could manifest in any way, you know your child best, and you know what is normal/ not normal for them, so listen and pay attention! If you notice changes, then encourage your kid to talk to someone: use the college counselors, it is not embarrassing, more students use the counselors than you would think, for a wide, wide range of issues, both large and small: anything from feeling homesick, to being stressed, to being worried about a friend, frustrated with a roommate, or just wanting a third party to talk to, they've got support, they've got resources. Encourage your kid to ask.
This is tough stuff, and as a parent of Gey Yers, it's a balancing act too. You have to realize when you're hovering and there too much, and when you have to let them make their own decisions and choices on things. You need to encourage them to use their resources. You're not always going to be there, nor are they going to want you, so they need to know where to seek help and advice if you're not. I'll admit that I have an underlying assumption that as parents, we've laid the foundation. We've been talking to our kids all along, about loads of different stuff. Our kids are used to us asking them how their day was, or "tell me about the game," so as they get older we should be able to talk to them about the tougher stuff too, like sex, drugs, their feelings... We have to have confidence that our kids will make good decisions, based on that foundation; the value system you've helped them establish, will inform those choices, those decisions.
Will there be mistakes, "98 and 3/4% guaranteed", but they'll learn from those (you hope). Just remember, you did!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Parents' Weekend is coming! It's all about the Visual!
That's right, it's about time you get to check in on your little darlin'! They've been in school since mid August, or maybe the beginning of September and now it's time for the onslaught of parents. I highly recommend going if it's your kid's freshman year. It's a great way to get a visual! And I don't know about you, but I'm ALL about the visual!
You can check out their digs, meet some of their friends, get a gage of what's going on on campus, go for a re-supply of some of those basic essentials (like detergent, deodorant, toothpaste....), maybe go to a class or two...
I must say, after going freshman year, when you make a return trip the following years, it's a kick to see their friends again, or reconnect with some of the other parents. By graduation, you have your own little network of familiar faces to at least say hello to! From my perspective, Parents' Weekend is a welcomed "new" tradition on campuses across the country. I don't remember this event when I was in college? I don't know when they started them, probably for us demanding Baby Boomers, but I quite like them. And if we don't go on the actual designated weekend, try to go on another weekend in the fall, so you can achieve some of the things I previously mentioned, like the all important visual!
OK, true confession, the college designated Parents' Weekend is great freshman year; you're a newbie, the college/university puts on "the dog" for the parents, they strut their stuff, other parents are there to meet, the college is sparkly clean, there is loads to do on campus because they're expecting you... but after freshman year, it's kind of nice to go on a "quieter" weekend. Then you get the real story, the straight scoop. I guess the potential bummer is that your kid is on their own for Parents' Weekend, no free dinners, but MAYBE one of those nice other parents that go will include your child?!? Just like you will include theirs when you're there!
You can check out their digs, meet some of their friends, get a gage of what's going on on campus, go for a re-supply of some of those basic essentials (like detergent, deodorant, toothpaste....), maybe go to a class or two...
I must say, after going freshman year, when you make a return trip the following years, it's a kick to see their friends again, or reconnect with some of the other parents. By graduation, you have your own little network of familiar faces to at least say hello to! From my perspective, Parents' Weekend is a welcomed "new" tradition on campuses across the country. I don't remember this event when I was in college? I don't know when they started them, probably for us demanding Baby Boomers, but I quite like them. And if we don't go on the actual designated weekend, try to go on another weekend in the fall, so you can achieve some of the things I previously mentioned, like the all important visual!
OK, true confession, the college designated Parents' Weekend is great freshman year; you're a newbie, the college/university puts on "the dog" for the parents, they strut their stuff, other parents are there to meet, the college is sparkly clean, there is loads to do on campus because they're expecting you... but after freshman year, it's kind of nice to go on a "quieter" weekend. Then you get the real story, the straight scoop. I guess the potential bummer is that your kid is on their own for Parents' Weekend, no free dinners, but MAYBE one of those nice other parents that go will include your child?!? Just like you will include theirs when you're there!
Golden Rules for every generation!
This about sums it up:
Ann Landers " Golden Rules for Living"
1. If you open it, close it.
2. If you turn it on, turn it off.
3. If you unlock it, lock it up.
4. If you break it, admit it.
5. If you can't fix it, call in someone who can.
6. If you borrow it, return it.
7. If you value it, take care of it.
8. If you make a mess, clean it up.
9. If you move it, put it back.
10. If it belongs to someone else, get permission to use it.
11. If you don't know how to operate it, leave it alone
12. If it is none of your business, don's ask questions
These are displayed in my grandparents' summer spot in Maine. I think my grandfather took Ann Landers' rules and tweaked them a bit.
Don'tchya just love the Maine humah!
Home Rules:
If you sleep on it-
Make it up.
If you wear it-
Hang it up.
If you drop it-
Pick it up.
If you eat out of it-
Wash it. (or put it in the dishwasher) (this was added in the last 10 years)
If you step on it-
Wipe it off!
If you open it-
Close it.
If you empty it-
Fill it up.
If it rings-
Answer it.
If it howls-
Feed it.
If it cries-
Love it!
Rules to live by!
Ann Landers " Golden Rules for Living"
1. If you open it, close it.
2. If you turn it on, turn it off.
3. If you unlock it, lock it up.
4. If you break it, admit it.
5. If you can't fix it, call in someone who can.
6. If you borrow it, return it.
7. If you value it, take care of it.
8. If you make a mess, clean it up.
9. If you move it, put it back.
10. If it belongs to someone else, get permission to use it.
11. If you don't know how to operate it, leave it alone
12. If it is none of your business, don's ask questions
These are displayed in my grandparents' summer spot in Maine. I think my grandfather took Ann Landers' rules and tweaked them a bit.
Don'tchya just love the Maine humah!
Home Rules:
If you sleep on it-
Make it up.
If you wear it-
Hang it up.
If you drop it-
Pick it up.
If you eat out of it-
Wash it. (or put it in the dishwasher) (this was added in the last 10 years)
If you step on it-
Wipe it off!
If you open it-
Close it.
If you empty it-
Fill it up.
If it rings-
Answer it.
If it howls-
Feed it.
If it cries-
Love it!
Rules to live by!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
$$$ College kids and Money! $$$
It's not to late to have a conversation about money with your college kid! It's one of those things that seems to slip through the cracks and before you know it, either you're A) getting a phone call from Johnny saying he's out of dough B) you go online to transfer their allowance and you realize their account is overdrawn (yikes!) and you hit the roof, C) your kid says to you that they can't buy their books for the semester because they don't have any money
("I'm just hearing about this now? What have you been doing for the last three weeks?")...you get the picture.
So before you experience some of those scenarios, take my advice: Have a conversation.
This conversation varies from household to household, but the common thread is:
Spell out your expectations! If you agree to an allowance, how often will they receive it, every month, every semester. The beginning of the month, the 15th, the end. What is that supposed to cover, exactly what are incidentals anyway? Shaving cream and toothpaste? Pizza and a movie? A pair of jeans? Whose money pays for what? Ideally they've got some money of their own from their summer job, or Aunt Harriet or something and that may be the fund they dip into to support their concert tickets or the train ticket to visit a buddy at college in the city, whatever. Maybe you expect them to pay for their own books? Believe me, this is not figured out through osmosis. And your idea of what their allowance covers compared to theirs can vary a great deal too. For example, I've always told my kids that we don't pay for beer, they do. (Of course they have to be 21!) That Wii their desperate to have for "down time"....sorry. But shampoo and toothpaste, yep. Vitamins, covered. We'll even cover that Broadway ticket for that freshman field trip. There really needs to be some clarity around whose money this really is. Is it their money, after all it's their allowance or is it your money, because you've made the deposit? It's OK to say that you'll be happy to discuss this over the school year/years. Adjustments to what you originally agreed to may need to be made. You might even get a phone call from your son saying, "Mom, I really don't need the amount of allowance you give me. I know things are tight, please ratchet it back. I'm able to cover my expenses with X instead of Y." Really? Really.
And maybe your child has to get a job on campus to cover some of these expenses. There seem to be all kinds of jobs for students on campus, some are a one shot deal, like being part of a research study for a Sleep and Dreams professor and sleeping in a lab for a night (really) or maybe it's being a tour guide, or working in the "stacks' checking student id's, or being a lifeguard at the school's pool....but again discuss your expectations, should this be part time, and just how "part" and what happens if their grades start to suffer? Communicate!
When you look at the meal plan that's been purchased and the "university dollars" that are on their student card, side note: as each of our kids have gone through the different colleges those univ. dollars seem to cover more and more. Thank God the roll of quarters for the washing machine and dryer seem to be a thing of the past in more and more colleges. Boxers just may get washed! Maybe their sheets too, at least once. If all they have to do is "swipe" the card, how tough can this be? At any rate, a lot of their basic needs are billed by the college, but certainly not all, and depending on the meal plan that your student has chosen, they may not be fed on the weekends, so "incidentals" may include groceries or full meals out. Who knows? What I do know is that it sure adds up and as in any relationship, money is a funky conversation to have.
Believe me, this is a good way to help them start to really think about budgeting and how expensive things are and prioritizing.
Another lesson they learn along the way is who pays for what amongst their friends? Hopefully it just happens once when your son agrees to pay for the burgers, hot dogs, chips, charcoal, etc. for a tailgate, thinking that he'll be paid back by all of his frat brothers and guess what? Not. That can be an expensive lesson, not to mention the ill will that he feels because his "brothers" are slugs. If your kid has a car on campus and you've given her your gas card, watch out, she'll be doing all the driving for sure, but if you tell her that she's paying for her own gas, very quickly she figures out that either she doesn't volunteer to drive or she gets her riders to pitch in for gas.
I knew upfront that I was never going to be able to go home for Thanksgiving. Not when my family lived in CT and I was going to school in CA and Thanksgiving break was 4 days. It didn't really "hit me" until there was this mass exodus from campus that first Wednesday afternoon. Geeze, that was brutal! I made a very tearful call back east begging my mother to let me come home. Can you imagine receiving that call? Many years later she confessed to me that that was one of her toughest moments as a parent, having to calmly say to me that "I knew upfront, that I'd be home in just a few weeks and to wipe my tears and certainly there would be an invitation coming my way from a local family." Well, there was! Thank goodness, but I think my kids would tell you that I sometimes spell it out a little too clearly and a little too much in advance....
Everybody handles this a little differently and it's even handled differently within the same family. You know your kid best, and you know just how much dot connecting you need to do when having this conversation. You also know what you can and can't afford, so communicate with your son or daughter.
("I'm just hearing about this now? What have you been doing for the last three weeks?")...you get the picture.
So before you experience some of those scenarios, take my advice: Have a conversation.
This conversation varies from household to household, but the common thread is:
Spell out your expectations! If you agree to an allowance, how often will they receive it, every month, every semester. The beginning of the month, the 15th, the end. What is that supposed to cover, exactly what are incidentals anyway? Shaving cream and toothpaste? Pizza and a movie? A pair of jeans? Whose money pays for what? Ideally they've got some money of their own from their summer job, or Aunt Harriet or something and that may be the fund they dip into to support their concert tickets or the train ticket to visit a buddy at college in the city, whatever. Maybe you expect them to pay for their own books? Believe me, this is not figured out through osmosis. And your idea of what their allowance covers compared to theirs can vary a great deal too. For example, I've always told my kids that we don't pay for beer, they do. (Of course they have to be 21!) That Wii their desperate to have for "down time"....sorry. But shampoo and toothpaste, yep. Vitamins, covered. We'll even cover that Broadway ticket for that freshman field trip. There really needs to be some clarity around whose money this really is. Is it their money, after all it's their allowance or is it your money, because you've made the deposit? It's OK to say that you'll be happy to discuss this over the school year/years. Adjustments to what you originally agreed to may need to be made. You might even get a phone call from your son saying, "Mom, I really don't need the amount of allowance you give me. I know things are tight, please ratchet it back. I'm able to cover my expenses with X instead of Y." Really? Really.
And maybe your child has to get a job on campus to cover some of these expenses. There seem to be all kinds of jobs for students on campus, some are a one shot deal, like being part of a research study for a Sleep and Dreams professor and sleeping in a lab for a night (really) or maybe it's being a tour guide, or working in the "stacks' checking student id's, or being a lifeguard at the school's pool....but again discuss your expectations, should this be part time, and just how "part" and what happens if their grades start to suffer? Communicate!
When you look at the meal plan that's been purchased and the "university dollars" that are on their student card, side note: as each of our kids have gone through the different colleges those univ. dollars seem to cover more and more. Thank God the roll of quarters for the washing machine and dryer seem to be a thing of the past in more and more colleges. Boxers just may get washed! Maybe their sheets too, at least once. If all they have to do is "swipe" the card, how tough can this be? At any rate, a lot of their basic needs are billed by the college, but certainly not all, and depending on the meal plan that your student has chosen, they may not be fed on the weekends, so "incidentals" may include groceries or full meals out. Who knows? What I do know is that it sure adds up and as in any relationship, money is a funky conversation to have.
Believe me, this is a good way to help them start to really think about budgeting and how expensive things are and prioritizing.
Another lesson they learn along the way is who pays for what amongst their friends? Hopefully it just happens once when your son agrees to pay for the burgers, hot dogs, chips, charcoal, etc. for a tailgate, thinking that he'll be paid back by all of his frat brothers and guess what? Not. That can be an expensive lesson, not to mention the ill will that he feels because his "brothers" are slugs. If your kid has a car on campus and you've given her your gas card, watch out, she'll be doing all the driving for sure, but if you tell her that she's paying for her own gas, very quickly she figures out that either she doesn't volunteer to drive or she gets her riders to pitch in for gas.
I knew upfront that I was never going to be able to go home for Thanksgiving. Not when my family lived in CT and I was going to school in CA and Thanksgiving break was 4 days. It didn't really "hit me" until there was this mass exodus from campus that first Wednesday afternoon. Geeze, that was brutal! I made a very tearful call back east begging my mother to let me come home. Can you imagine receiving that call? Many years later she confessed to me that that was one of her toughest moments as a parent, having to calmly say to me that "I knew upfront, that I'd be home in just a few weeks and to wipe my tears and certainly there would be an invitation coming my way from a local family." Well, there was! Thank goodness, but I think my kids would tell you that I sometimes spell it out a little too clearly and a little too much in advance....
Everybody handles this a little differently and it's even handled differently within the same family. You know your kid best, and you know just how much dot connecting you need to do when having this conversation. You also know what you can and can't afford, so communicate with your son or daughter.
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