Parents' Weekend is coming! It's all about the Visual!

That's right, it's about time you get to check in on your little darlin'! They've been in school since mid August, or maybe the beginning of September and now it's time for the onslaught of parents. I highly recommend going if it's your kid's freshman year. It's a great way to get a visual! And I don't know about you, but I'm ALL about the visual!
You can check out their digs, meet some of their friends, get a gage of what's going on on campus, go for a re-supply of some of those basic essentials (like detergent, deodorant, toothpaste....), maybe go to a class or two...

I must say, after going freshman year, when you make a return trip the following years, it's a kick to see their friends again, or reconnect with some of the other parents. By graduation, you have your own little network of familiar faces to at least say hello to! From my perspective, Parents' Weekend is a welcomed "new" tradition on campuses across the country. I don't remember this event when I was in college? I don't know when they started them, probably for us demanding Baby Boomers, but I quite like them. And if we don't go on the actual designated weekend, try to go on another weekend in the fall, so you can achieve some of the things I previously mentioned, like the all important visual!

OK, true confession, the college designated Parents' Weekend is great freshman year; you're a newbie, the college/university puts on "the dog" for the parents, they strut their stuff, other parents are there to meet, the college is sparkly clean, there is loads to do on campus because they're expecting you... but after freshman year, it's kind of nice to go on a "quieter" weekend. Then you get the real story, the straight scoop. I guess the potential bummer is that your kid is on their own for Parents' Weekend, no free dinners, but MAYBE one of those nice other parents that go will include your child?!? Just like you will include theirs when you're there!

~Beppie

Your Job as Parent.... ongoing!

I remember thinking, when my kids went through middle school, how different it was parenting.

Yes, it was physically busy, transporting them from here to there. Being "on them" about doing their homework. Running around gathering their supplies, their sporting equipment. Going to their games, their performances, attending their science fairs, volunteering on their field trips, chaperoning their dances....the list went on. Very busy. But the shift really was in the emotional quotient piece of parenting. These young people were experiencing real life stuff. Hurt feelings, emotional highs and lows (which usually involved their friends), not making teams, receiving grades for the first time (no longer the "need strengthening stuff", the VG's, etc.)... and all of this stuff would eventually end up at home in some form or other. I remember feeling that I wish I could take on some of their pain, some of their emotions, so they wouldn't have to suffer. I also felt like that, if one of my kids ended up in the emergency room from some injury and they were in pain. Crazy I know.

Well, this role of emotional supporter sure does continue long past middle school, all through high school, through college and long after they've graduated. If you think your role as parent is "done" when they go off to school...wrong! Their "problems" or emotional experiences take on a considerably different ability in parenting. I've found that I've really had to hone my listening skills and I can't take on their pain and upset. The "voice of reason" comes to mind as I'm writing this. No one tells you that as a parent of young adults you're really a jack of all trades: counselor, consultant, psychiatrist, cheerleader, spiritual advisor... there are a million adjectives to use for parenting skills.

It's a big transition to college, and the rest of the college years! This time can bring about big changes in a student's life! It can be the first time they are dealing with a lot of issues: depression, displacement, eating disorders, self confidence issues, friends with problems, divorcing parents, roommates, etc. Even if your child showed no signs of issues with these problems in high school, a lot of times these things pop up in the 4 years of college: more often than you think. So, as a parent, be looking for changes in patterns with your child. It can be anything from changes in voice tone, sleeping schedules, calling home (or not)... it could manifest in any way, you know your child best, and you know what is normal/ not normal for them, so listen and pay attention! If you notice changes, then encourage your kid to talk to someone: use the college counselors, it is not embarrassing, more students use the counselors than you would think, for a wide, wide range of issues, both large and small: anything from feeling homesick, to being stressed, to being worried about a friend, frustrated with a roommate, or just wanting a third party to talk to, they've got support, they've got resources. Encourage your kid to ask.

This is tough stuff, and as a parent of Gey Yers, it's a balancing act too. You have to realize when you're hovering and there too much, and when you have to let them make their own decisions and choices on things. You need to encourage them to use their resources. You're not always going to be there, nor are they going to want you, so they need to know where to seek help and advice if you're not. I'll admit that I have an underlying assumption that as parents, we've laid the foundation. We've been talking to our kids all along, about loads of different stuff. Our kids are used to us asking them how their day was, or "tell me about the game," so as they get older we should be able to talk to them about the tougher stuff too, like sex, drugs, their feelings... We have to have confidence that our kids will make good decisions, based on that foundation; the value system you've helped them establish, will inform those choices, those decisions.

Will there be mistakes, "98 and 3/4% guaranteed", but they'll learn from those (you hope). Just remember, you did!

~Beppie

Parents' Influence!

I'm going to throw something out there. I've been "noodling."

There's been a lot written about marketing to various generations and how kids influence their parents' purchases. As a parent of Gen Yers, let me tell you, we parents influence our kids' purchases!

I'll back up. Way back before Gap Kids, 1980ish, my husband was a Boys' buyer at Macy's California. He convinced a couple of outerwear vendors to make the famous "members only" jacket in boys sizes 8-20, well, they blew out the door. Those little boys didn't like the "Little Lord Font Leroy" peter panned collared stuff." I'm exaggerating a tad, but not much. They wanted to look cool, so when Mom took'em shopping,they'd beg and plead for 'members only' and... you know the rest. Well, that kind of thinking evolved and developed into many different businesses, by many different people. Those little darlings influenced our purchases. Fast forward: Now that our kids are older and the price tags for things they want has escalated exponentially AND they don't like to part with their own $ do-re-mi $, our kids turn to us for our help and advice on things.

These kids are very knowledgeable and opinionated about electronic purchases, so they tend to take the reins there, but when it comes to buying a bed, or furniture, or housewares, or a suit, or a car... that's where Mom comes in (or Dad). Now I'm not talking about paying for these items, necessarily. I'm talking about the fact that they call us and ask us for our opinions, our suggestions, our recommendations on those big ticket items, where to go, what websites to check, and nine times out of ten they buy what's suggested.

When it came time for my son to get an "interview suit," he didn't head out on his own to make that purchase, WE went. There I was rummaging through the rounder of suits, picking out the wool gabardines, leading him away from the summer khakis, "a wool gabardine will take you through 9 months, a khaki through 3 AND you'll have this suit for years, it's a classic. This is a much better purchase, more bang for the buck," I said. When my daughter was looking for a dining table, same scenario. Both Mom and Dad went recently to the furniture store with our son when he was buying a bed... these are big purchases, they're long term purchases and our kids look to us for guidance, and oh yes, the possibility that we just may pick up the tab. But it's really that they don't want to "go this alone," not when there's serious money involved.

When your Gen Yer graduates from college; no more furnished dorm room, it's time for that apartment and making choices. There's probably a bunch of stuff they can have from the family home, as long as they provide the U-haul and the brawn, but if they don't live close by, that's not necessarily the best option. Some conversations sound like this: "does it make sense to spend X dollars on a brand new rug for the living room that I'll have for years? or Should I go to Target and pick one up that I may only have for a year or two? Should I spend X dollars for a new bed? My back is killing me after a night on a lousy mattress." Our kids are asking for advice on their benefits packages (401ks, insurance, etc.), they're also asking about their "real world" purchases and let's face it, we have influence!

~Beppie

Have you made reservations?

That's right, you! I've learned over the years that if you want to see your kids over the holidays (at a reasonable price), you better be actively involved in the reservation making! So if you haven't made those flight reservations for Thanksgiving, you're really pushing the proverbial envelope. I've just checked some websites and to travel Wed. through Sunday of Thanksgiving, fahgetaboutit.... The prices are going up. And going up a lot. And the availability is the pits, unless you want to travel on turkey day, which is a bummer. So if you want to see them over the holidays, get on the computer!

Negotiating these plans is an interesting process. When they're in college, you know when their breaks are and you assume that the holidays "belong to you:" they'll be coming home or meeting you somewhere. When they're in the working world, they only get two or three weeks vacation per year, and you may make the assumption that they of course want to spend their time off with you, but not necessarily....

Thus the negotiations begin! A couple of the added bennies we parents have is that we offer the "traditions they grew up with," we stroke the nostalgia key. Who knows, there's a real possibility we might pick up the tab for their travels? Why not sweeten the pot? We might even offer a "destination" vacation. But you better communicate with your kids about all of this: dates, times they're available to travel, etc. You don't want to experience their wrath if you made the wrong assumption. Assume nothing. Talk to them.

One thing is clear though, if you haven't made those reservations, you better get on it... they're not, I suppose they just assume that you're going to "take care of this" and may even pay for this. But speaking as a past retailer and not being able to go home for Christmas those first several years out of college, I have real empathy. It's a real bummer not to be with family over the holidays, so if you can help your Gen Yer avoid that, do! Make those reservations! It's a good gift!

~Beppie

'Tis the holiday season!

Merry, merry and happy, happy!
They're home or they're coming home! I love this time of year, but I won't lie, it's an adjustment for everybody! If you haven't had a houseful this past semester then you know what I'm talking about. Just when you had things where you liked them, the gas gauge on your vehicle where you remember leaving it, the food in the fridge that you knew would be there to make dinner...it all changes...but there's more to it than that.

Think back to when you were in their shoes. They have been living on their own, making their own decisions and choices about things. They've been deciding when to come home at night, (no curfews at college), when to eat and sleep, how long to sleep, maybe they've been taking naps during the course of the day. What they eat, when they study, when and how much they exercise. You have not been a factor in the structure of their day. Where we parents run into trouble is if we instantly regress and go back to the time when we did structure their days. Not a good idea. There will be conflicts a-go-go.

I know I blogged about a related timeframe when they come home for the summer (blog: Summer They're Pushing the envelope), but somehow the holiday timeframe is different. Maybe because it's a compressed period, maybe because there's more emotion associated with the holidays, maybe it's because there's a bit of a competition for your kid's time: their friends want to see and spend time with them and so do you and their siblings. It's tough to be so popular! :)

They are usually completely exhausted when they first come home. They've been burning the midnight oil, cramming a semester's worth of material into their brains, probably not eating well and most likely they're sick with a cold or worse. What I've learned through my kids, is let them sleep. Everyone's happier if your kid is rested. Some good home-cooked meals tends to be appreciated and if you're really nice, you've scheduled those doctor and dental visits for a little later in their vacation. I have that image of the Wizard of Oz when the Scarecrow, Tinman, Cowardly Lion and Dorothy all get fixed up for their visit to the Wizard, that's what it must feel like to our kids when they are home.

A friend forwarded me a good email that George Washington University's Director of Parent Services sent out. (Interesting job title, don't you think? What a reputation we parents have!) Basically he said, that it's an adjustment for everyone, a transition for everyone and there needs to be communication about expectations from both parties. Hear! Hear! I think that's the key, communicate! Let your kids know what are MFO's (mandatory family obligations) and what aren't, what your expectations are about when they come home: how late friends can stay at night, who's doing their laundry, what meals you expect them at, use of the car....believe me, when you have this conversation they'll chime in their expectations and there may have to be some compromises. Depending on who you talk to in our household, I think my kids would feel differently about who's compromised most. But that's not the point, having everyone under the same roof, co habitating and enjoying each other's company, that's the goal!

~Beppie

Summer, they're pushing the envelope!

Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but this summer in the northeast has gotten off to a very soggy start, we've been growing webs between our toes! But the rain hasn't curtailed the behavior of our Gen Yers. "School's out for the summer!" It's almost a mantra, and when it comes to the "rules of the school year" it seems to be the summer when the envelope gets pushed the most, and the rules seem to be pushed right out the window! Or at least there's a serious attempt to throw them out. :) This isn't just about kids who've just graduated from high school, this is also about college age kids and even kids who are living at home after college.

For those of you parents that have been through this, you know exactly what I'm talking about. For those yet to get there, trust me, you will!

Kids and curfews. Kids waking you when they get in to let you know they're home (as requested). How do these apply on a "school night?" A work night? The weekends? Over the fourth? And I'm afraid this is a debated topic when they come home for Thanksgiving, for the holidays, for any of their breaks!

You've got rules in your home regarding curfews. Maybe it's midnight, maybe it's a phone call at midnight to let you know where they are. And then you ask them to wake you when they get home, because if they don't, when you wake up to pee you can't help but go check their bedroom to be sure they're safe and sound. Then of course YOUR REM sleep has been interrupted and if they're not home, then you're worried; you're texting, or calling....Does that curfew stand every night of the week? After seven days of midnights, or one, two, three in the mornings, I don't know about you, but that gets exhausting! Not for them particularly, for you! Maybe you can reach a 'weekend understanding' and the weekdays they're in at a more reasonable hour, say 10. My mother had this saying, "nothing good happens after midnight." That's another one of those things I've adopted, to my kids' chagrin.

Well, something's gotta give, the proverbial 'you know what' hits the fan...and one thing I think many of us can agree on, it's not pretty when Mom blows her gasket. Usually this happens after Mom has had virtually no sleep or at least no continuous sleep and she's been working, keeping the house running smoothly, getting meals on the table, doing the laundry and she feels that she's doing everything and the kid, feeling or acting ever so entitled (or at least it seems that way to you), isn't doing anything but staying out til all hours, sleeping in until noon (if there's no job to get up for....) Does this sound familiar?

If it does, communication is key! Communication between you and your kid. Be upfront! Don't get to the "gasket blowing stage" if you can avoid it. Let them know what your expectations are, they'll let you know what theirs are, and then come to consensus or a compromise.

As your high school graduate is stretching, feeling their oats, saying their "good byes," working on their independence, etc. they tend to push these buttons the most. The second runner up is the kid home from college, having experienced independence and making decisions on their own, they're not used to parents and their rules, and then comes the kid that's been living on their own, 21 and over, and they can't understand why you need to be woken up or why it matters what time they come in at night? Hello?! (Just wait until their parents).

I have to confess, that I was surprised to hear my mother's words come out of my mouth when I first experienced this as a Mom, summer-days run into nights-run into days-curfew vs. no curfew-discussion: "as long as you're living under our roof, it's our rules..." YIKES! I'll also confess that I didn't quite come down that hard, we worked out compromise and consensus. When I was able to articulate how I felt, how rude I thought they were being and how I felt taken advantage of, that though they may not need a lot of sleep, some of us do...and the guilt started to set in (their guilt), they got the message...life's improved dramatically! They don't hear their mother's wrath or maybe they were hearing nagging or as I re-read this, whining...Sleep! Sleep is key! But more importantly, communication, it tends to work things out!

~Beppie

Tech Support

I'm a Facebooker, I've got an iPhone (I'm a bit of an addict,) I'm blogging, I'm tweeting, I'm texting, I'm working on my Gchatting (there have been some complaints from my peanut gallery that I'm a lousy Gchatter. Can I help it if I leave Gmail open and walk away from my computer a lot, or if I'm not a terrific multi tasker when it comes to the computer!?) I have apps on my iPhone that I actually use...

How did this happen? Well, thank goodness for my tech support! My kids! They're part of the GenY generation, they've been brought up on this stuff!

My kids have been incredibly helpful getting me set up, communicating and sharing various apps I should take a look at, or websites I should check out...I was informed by Stanford that if I wanted to hear news about my upcoming reunion, I needed to join Facebook, because that's how they were going to communicate. My kids tend to text me now, more and more, just with a quick check in. I take loads of pictures, I used to leave them on my computer, just "sitting there", now I actually do something with them, whether it's on Facebook or making a book through Shutterfly or Apple. I took advantage of Apple's personal trainers, a really good deal and those guys are really helpful. I heeded my own advice about tutors and my kids, get the fight out of the kitchen, talk to a neutral party and get help...it's good advice. Everyday things seem to be changing and between my kids, reading various newspapers and periodicals (which I'm doing more and more online) and my "personal trainer" I think I'm doing pretty well for a Baby Boomer. I really want to encourage you to get with the program. Don't dig in your heels on this. Ask your kids for help, hire someone, ask your friends, your work colleagues...just do it!

I must say, this is so much fun! And I am incredibly thankful to my tech support for their patience and help. I think they think they've created a monster though!

~Beppie