Name change?

Changing your name? Getting a new social security card, because yours was stolen? Regardless of your reason, this may involve a trip to the Social Security Administration office. Our newly graduated-from-college son, had to get a new social security card (his was stolen in our burglary) before he started his job. It was on the list of things to bring to HR his first day. That's right, a J-O-B! He actually got one, with benefits! I KNOW!  Our newly wedded daughter made the decision to change her name, so the first "legal" thing one must do before she can make all the necessary changes (ie., Driver's license, credit cards,....Facebook, Twitter....Heres a link to a full list that's printable: Your married name change checklist) is get a new Social Security Card. Well, going to the SSA is not much different from going to the DMV. Lousy. So doing a little preplanning and filling out the downloaded forms beforehand, is helpful. The lines on the other hand, not much you can do. So look into mailing everything in. But that means parting with your passport for a bit. And of course you can't change your passport name without a new social security card....etc.,etc.

Since this is such a pain in the rear end, I found that both my Gen Yers resorted to bitching by text. I think only to Mom, but maybe not?! I suggested that their dissatisfaction with "only two people working at a line up of windows with 50 people in the waiting room, each holding a number and no numbers being called, and the clock is ticking 45 minutes AND counting... waiting, lunch hour is just about up. I've GOT to leave. I CAN'T believe this!" If a tweet out #SSA from a disgruntled taxpayer happened, do you suppose there'd be a response? Do they even have a twitter account (@SSA)? hmmmmm.... I wonder?

Just checked, doesn't look like it, but whoa! A LOT of disgruntled folks (#social security administration) waiting in lines. There must be a more efficient way!?

In tonight's news, a disgruntled Gen Yer, Molly Katchpole started a petition against the fees that the B of A was imposing on debit cards, and guess what? Social media seems to have made an impact! 150,000+ signatures, ABC News' attention.

~Beppie

Advice to Live By

I was at our Discussion Group's (blog post) holiday meeting, our topic, taken from a son's boarding school application for a PG year:  What is the most important piece of advice you have ever received and what role does it play in your life?

Needless to say, the answers from each of the women sparked all kinds of thoughts and discussion. The common thread? How we implemented that advice in our lives and in most cases, our parenting Gen Y.

Pieces of advice:

Lose the battle and win the war. (Given by my father right before I got married.) It's turned out to be very good advice in just about every aspect of life.

When you accept an invitation, any invitation, be prepared to give as much or more than you receive at the "event." (Given by a friend of her parents, when she was a teenager and hurumphing about "having to go to a family friend's house for a holiday party.") Two things: was "heard" because it was given by a NON-parent, but someone she respected and she can't think of any place she's attended as a guest when she hasn't thought of that advice prior to arrival.

Since the probability of you meeting someone to marry at college is high, we will only allow you to apply within the Northeast. (Unspoken: the parents (advice givers) lived in CT.) How she followed the advice? Did the exact opposite with each of their four children! "The world is your oyster, apply wherever you want and we support you!" As a result her children are married and live in OR, CA, CO and ME! 

 When you move to a new place, in the first year, accept every invitation. Tough to do, because you have to be "on" all the time, but if you do, you will reap the rewards in the years following. You never know who you might meet regardless of what you may think of the host/hostess. Could be friends for a lifetime!

~Beppie

Empty Nester Downsizing

Four kids "launched!" Downsizing seemed like a good idea. The particulars: 3500 square feet of 30 years of marriage; numerous corporate moves (which means you move everything with little thought) and the steward of family heirlooms/stuff. I will admit that I was totally guilty of holding onto things, thinking that when each of our kids went off on their own, starting their first apartments, of course they'd need/want that chair, coffee table, TV (deep back kind), or those Brio wood blocks, or Barbie dolls and clothes from their youth...someday my grandchildren may want to play with those. Ha!...so I kept storing the stuff, because we had space, (a basement) and could. Well, it doesn't always work out like you think it will. Of course you can never predict where your GenY kids may live post college. Who knew 3 out of 4 of ours would be 3000+ miles away in California and one would be in Chicago?!? They don't want your stuff nor need it and there are no grandkids...yet. Thanks to Craigslist they take care of their needs quickly and inexpensively, much less expensively than if they have to pay to have it shipped. Thus, downsizing, a monumental task.

The good news? We had time to be thoughtful and planful about it.

Here are our basic downsizing tips:

First, communicate with your kids that you're doing this, downsizing, that is. Call them and spell out what you're doing and your expectations.

Our expectations: That we were moving into a 1600 square foot home (no basement, no attic) and that we were not going to pay for off-site storage after 6 months. So...

Everything in their room was theirs (bed, dresser, desk, trophies, yearbooks, etc.). That any furniture we weren't moving into our new home was up for grabs and we would communicate which pieces those were, so speak up. We were happy to donate, sell or trash things (with their guidance) for them. (I know, you're thinking, really? What? Well our kids were all thousands of miles away and timing was everything. We sold our house in a week and the time was ticking.) We would move/ship anything they wanted, but that it was going to end up at their new homes, not ours. And that we would be storing everything in off site storage for 6 months so everyone had a chance to get organized, moved, whatever.

1) Do a little bit at a time. (Otherwise this can be overwhelming). But do a bit everyday.

2) Contact moving companies and have each of them come over to give you a bid on what it will cost to pack, move and store. This exercise will motivate you to get rid of more items, pack more of your own stuff, get comps with various companies and make some real decisions about moving and storing.

3) Organize each room into 4 piles: Keep, Donate, Sell, Trash/Recycling

Keep: Who's keeping? The parents? Or the kid? Once you've determined this, then you've got to figure out  how your kid is going to get it: they come and get it, ship via USPS, UPS, FedEx or professionally move it.

Donate: To whom? Which organization? How is it getting from your house to that organization? Ideally, that organization will pick up.

Sell: Garage sale, the purchaser of your house, auctioneer, consignment shop, eBay, flea market, Play It  Again Sports...

Trash: we called the Dump Guys. They came and hauled our trash away, sorting out the recyclables (such as old electronics) and then they took it all away to the appropriate "Transfer Stations." Also, we used our designated trash/recycle days to the max! We found this route was much cheaper than renting a dumpster, not to mention, much easier on our backs. (Since the young Dump guys did all the heavy lifting!) We also  had a shredding company come directly to our home, to shred years of old statements, etc. that were  decades old (FYI, check with your accountant or lawyer as to how many years ago you should hold onto for  legal reasons). 

4) Shipping. I highly recommend USPS . You know the ad: "if it fits, it ships." At a flat rate. There's alsomedia rate, to ship "educational materials," ie., books.

5) Books, VHS tapes: If you have books and VHS tapes to donate, check with your local public library. Also check with your local college bookstore about selling your kids' text books to them.

6) Contact the various charitable organizations and coordinate pick ups. Find out if you need to move everything to an easy access location for them or if they have the "manpower" to collect the items from your various floors. 

7) Sports equipment: with 4 kids we had LOTS! Neighbors, local sports organizations, Play it Again. Again, this involves phone calls and organization of distribution.

8) Take lots of digital pictures! Thank goodness for the smartphones and their cameras. These pictures really help when communicating with your kids what's actually in their rooms, which pieces of furniture you've put up for grabs, documenting items, like trophies, that they once had before they were heaved. Pictures also help once things are in storage to refresh your memory. They also help when trying to figure out furniture placement in your new spot.

9) Personal photos and personal movies: Now's the time to digitize! We used iMemories. We boxed and shipped all of it. They've digitized it and they shipped it all back. (The originals.) Then you get to decide if you're keeping it or trashing it knowing that you've got it digitized.Once you've gone to the trouble, when you're more settled, you can download all of your digitized movies and slideshows to your own computer or storage device, rather than paying for months of  cloud stroage

10) Take measurements of each piece of furniture that you're moving so you'll have that information for your GenYer and for yourself so you can "place" that furniture in their/your new digs. Evernote is a great app for this exercise. It stores all of this info (and more) on a cloud which you can access from anywhere.

11) If you're selling items, this takes organization. Grab a friend or two to help you with a garage sale. There are eBay stores that will photograph and put your items "up." If you don't want to do it. Contact auctioneers to come out to talk to you about what they are willing to take/sell and the percentage they take for their efforts. Contact your local consignment shops and ask about their services and percentage they take and if they'll pick up or if you have to deliver.

All of this is doable. but it's a lot of organization. 

Good luck! It feels good!

Great tips for pregnant Millennials

I know it's been ages and a LOT has happened, but I'm just going to jump right in. Our daughter's pregnant! Due in September and we all couldn't be more thrilled! I just got back from a long weekend in Chicago, helping get the nursery ready. Thank goodness my son inlaw is "handy" because just about everything rquires some sort of assembling. We checked off most of every list our daughter had. And believe me, with all of the friends, family, medical people and apps (oh yes, "there's an app for that!") that had tips and suggestions, the lists were long. I had a ball, it was great and they're ready! But the baby needs a little more time to bake, so I'm sending nothing but positive thoughts and prayers their way!

In the meantime, I'll share a very helpful list provided by my cousin Aimee (and her bffs), with 3 kids (a set of twins) in 3 years all under the age of 4.

BEFORE THE BIG DAY

• Schedule to have your house cleaned a week before your due date, then 3 weeks later, and then 3 weeks after that. And pay ahead on bills.
• Write all your thank you notes now. You'll have zero interest in using what free time you no longer have, to write thank you notes after the lil' one shows up. 
• Scan your ultrasound pictures and print them out. The originals will fade and crack overtime if filed away or put in the baby book.
• Confirm who's enlisted to make the calls re: food deliveries, so that everyone isn't calling you and spouse. Tip: tell baby shower organizers to advocate for restaurant gift cards for take out too.
• SIDEBAR:  food deliveries during the first few weeks are not "shin digs." They do not require you to clean the house or drop everything to show off the baby. Your husband's job: answer the door, take the food, allow you to chit chat for the length of a commercial, and be the closer (the door closer ;)-
• Take some time to journal, at least once, in the days leading up to delivery. Or think of writing the baby a note. You'll reflect fondly on the exercise and it will be written from a special point of view, that has a way of dissipating (sadly) after it's all over.
• Paying for a good car seat and stroller are worth the money. Sadly, you will not know what constitutes a "good" stroller until you've had your first baby. So ask your friends. 
• Did anyone else think the chair - that was sure to be the most comfortable to breastfeed in - was, instead, a sink hole? Straight back - padded arms, that's all I have to say. Agreed. Yes...agreed.
• Poetic reference from Liz, regarding the first 6 weeks: "Live frugally on surprise," specifically amid recovery (short or long), potential trials with breastfeeding, irritation with hubby or the grandparents, and sleep deprivation. There's beauty all around you and it's a personal test to see if you can appreciate it despite everything else.

AT THE HOSPITAL

First things first: Every moment of your life as a woman [thus far anyway] is coming to a big climax. Take a deep breath and revel in it. Then give your spouse a HUGE, HEARTFELT, hug. -- Sidebar: this is a good idea, because your husband will likely be so anxious and stressed out, he'll forget to do the same for you.  Do this, and watch him relax, regain focus, and be reminded, that you're amazing.

Call your parents (mom), if not near by.  Make sure your hubby calls his parents too, at least once!

• Take with you 3-5 pairs of good quality, high wasted, Lycra/cotton underpants to the hospital. IN BLACK!  They'll hug your tummy post-delivery and will make you feel like wonder woman. Plus, what will be given to you at the hospital as "underwear" doesn't even deserve to be referred to as "underwear." 
• Bring two pairs of cute "day" clothes + jammies, with EASY access to the boobs. No cute pull over tops or dresses. 
• Pack your own pillow.
• Pack the same dopp kit you would otherwise travel with. Don't skimp. There won't be any counter room, but you'll feel better if you have everything you would otherwise use/need, and you'll look back on pictures without wincing. ...This includes your hair dryer.
• This point is not fully appreciated/understood by first timers until post-delivery: Take the squeegee bottle home with you. 
• There's an expression: shit happens... sometimes in labor. 
• Here's a new expression: hemorrhoids happen, afterwards. So sad, but true.
• Suggestion: if possible, have someone deliver your first meal, for after delivery. It can be packed in Tupperware and nuked there. Healthy snacks, fresh fruit, and refreshments always good too. Otherwise, you'll be reduced to eating hospital food and sending hubby out.
• RE: Your first time breast feeding. It hurts. Period.  If the pain persists and feels "hot," like a blister forming on your ankle in tight ski boots = not good. This is true. But in the beginning, don't kid yourself - your nips need to callus. Anyone who says different is delusional. This includes the lactation consultant. Focus on the latch, not on whether baby is getting enough or if s/he is starving. It's all about the latch, nothing else. 
• It is not weird or out of line to demand that people wash their hands and/or use hand sanitizer before holding the baby. 
• Your spouse should play goalie on this point. Communicate this to him ahead of time.
• HOT TOPIC: Should the grandparents be present at the hospital? Arrive a few days later? Arrive 3-6 weeks later? Ask the veterans, i.e. your friends. Then decide and communicate your expectations clearly to loved ones.  If you have a good delivery and everyone is healthy, you'll feel better than you might imagine, by day 3-4, and you'll want the people you love around. Share the experience, at least to whatever degree makes you comfortable and happy.

AFTER DELIVERY

• It's cliche - but "sleep when the baby sleeps" is actually really good advice. 
• Walk and walk often. WALKING WILL MAKE YOU REGULAR AGAIN, speed up recovery, and get your head straight. -- AMEN.
• Kiss and hug your spouse. Tell him he's doing  a good job. It will remind them to do the same for you.
• Spandex and Lycra are wonderful. Invest in some good yoga wear, one size larger than pre-pregnancy.
• Call the pediatrician, without hesitation,  if you need expert advice, even on the mundane.
• Starting on the first night, check your attitude as often as you check the diaper. If you're short, it's probably just exhaustion. If your spouse is short, it's probably just exhaustion. Keep it in perspective. 
• Head's up: you're husband will defer to you when he doesn't know how to calm the baby, as if YOU have ALL the answers. Keep calm and just brainstorm.
• Take heart. There really are a limited number of reasons why a healthy new born cries: Dirty diaper, wet diaper, hungry, gassy, extremely tired, irritated (noise/hot/cold), or injured/in pain (rash, pinched skin from diaper, etc.). Your job isn't to respond, as much as it is to forecast and prevent.  
• DON'T HESITATE to ask Mom, MIL, or anyone else visiting, to pitch in with the housekeeping. Your job: hold and feed the baby - and rest. Visitors can do the dishes and laundry for you, and hold the baby while you're sleeping.
• Take baby outside in the early mornings, between naps, AND (as often as you can) before sun down. Research shows that babies exposed to lots of afternoon sunlight sleep better at night. Healthy circadian rhythms are a must.
• Criticism has a way of popping up in the implicit comments of unexpected people - this can include family members and even close friends. Just ignore it, and try not to file it away. If they've got kids of their own, they're not you. And if they don't, then they don't know what they're talking about.
• At six weeks, send your OB a thank you note with a picture of the baby. And send your primary L&D nurses a thank you note too.
• Smooch, hug, whisper to, fawn over, smile at, coo to, and love on the gift you've been given! GREAT JOB MOMMY! YOU'RE AMAZING!

Great advice, all of it! If you've got some other tips, please share!

Financial Aid Information: Be On Top Of It!

This was written by a colleague, that is worth sharing:

Hi to all senior students and parents!

IGNORE THIS AT YOUR PERIL!!!!!!!!

I've gotten several exasperated calls or emails over the past week from
parents and students who are finding the process of getting financial
information to and from schools particularly frustrating.

Every family's circumstances are unique so I cannot give a definitive,
comprehensive, blanket 'to do' list, but let me try to summarize:

IF you have applied for financial aid (by filling out the FAFSA and, for
schools which require it, the CSS PROFILE) you can expect schools to confirm
your application and ask you to "verify" the estimates you made earlier by
supplying them with actual tax information.

This can happen in one or a combination of several ways:

1. by updating the FAFSA (called doing a "FAFSA Correction")

2. by linking your FAFSA to your filed 2013 taxes via a process called "IRS
Data Retrieval"

3. by completing a process and form called the "IDOC" (for some CSS PROFILE
Schools only)

4. by sending copies of your and your student's taxes and W-2 forms directly
to individual schools

5. by completing a form or forms called a "Verification Worksheet" sent to
you (or downloaded) directly by a college

Understand that the process, while appearing complicated, is at heart both
simple and intuitive: before a college gives you money they want assurance
that your need is what you've said it is.

Requests such as these are TIME SENSITVE and it is AGAINST YOUR INTEREST to
ignore them. Money is awarded on a first-come, first-served basis and if
you're slow about responding to a school you can miss out.

On January 26th I wrote everyone an email with the heading "BEING THOROUGH",
where I said that you're likely to get a LOT of emails and letters from
colleges where you've applied, especially after a student has been accepted,
and that it is imperative to carefully read these. Information from a
college can come in three ways: by email; by letter; or by post to a
password controlled web page.

IT IS IMPORTANT FOR STUDENTS AND PARENTS TO THOROUGHLY KEEP TABS ON
INFORMATION THEY'RE RECEIVING, AND TO COMPLY WITH REQUESTS FOR
INFORMATION/ACTION IN A TIMELY FASHION.

When in doubt, don't hesitate to CALL the financial aid office (not the
admissions office) of each school that has accepted you or your student, and
ask: "Do you have everything you need to determine our financial aid award?"

Now here's the good news: you've got the College Guy here to help you.

I've seen and heard just about everything that may be coming your way, so if
you get stuck, or confused, or frustrated, or lost, reach out to me. There's
no charge to email or talk on the phone, and I'll bet most of your issues
and questions can be resolved easily. In some cases families do decide to
use my services for a reasonable fee, which of course I'll explain to you
when we talk.

I recommend that you create a folder for every college which has accepted
you, and keep material in it which they send you. On the cover of each
folder keep track of everything you've already sent that school, and keep a
running log of requests they have made, what those requests are, and when
you've addressed them.

Keep things organized and be persistent. You're going to be dealing with
secretaries for the most part - keep notes of who you talked to and when,
and make return calls if necessary. Get access to a fax machine and fax
items if they say they don't have them. Confirm that the fax has been
received.

Once you've received three or four financial aid awards you might consider
scheduling a meeting with me to go over the numbers. I have a form and a
methodology I use to allow you to easily compare offers and compute unmet
need which I'll share with you. This process will help you determine whether
and how to appeal for additional aid. Keep in mind that there's a right way
and a wrong way to go about this: most folks do it the wrong way.

Enjoy the cessation of winter - there's smooth sailing (and exciting times!)
ahead.

Gary Canter

Owner, College Placement Services and Higher Education Consultant

Portland, Maine

(207) 772-9711

www.collegeplacementservices.org

P.S. Remember that EVERY COLLEGE must give you until May 1 (or April 30)
before you have to make a final decision and submit a deposit. Realize,
however, that colleges are BUSINESSES and like any good business that smells
a sale, they're trying very hard to "close the deal" and have you choose
them. Sometimes it will appear that you have to ACT NOW to take advantage of
this or that promised reward. Remember, YOU DON'T!!!

We've written a book!

Purchase it on Amazon

You can see it here!

Exciting news, We've Moved!

I'm a dot com!
I'm moving over to momsofgeny.com!
My daughter, who's in PR told me that being a dot com is more "meaningful" than being a blogspot. Who knew? I'm sure Google has something to say about that. But I'm giving it a try. A dear friend is joining me, so our blog entries will be a little more frequent and she'll be chiming in on being a Mom of Gen Yers' topics (in her own voice) too.
We'll also be adding to the website... a "book" that we've been working on, on parenting these Gen Yers. You know what I've said, "once a mom, always a mom"! We're going to do that in installments, think "Great Expectations!"
Our website is still under construction, this learning curve has been pretty steep, but I have to say, the folks in customer service of these sites have been incredibly patient and helpful for us neophytes! Thank you GoDaddy.com and www.Squarespace.com!
Some people ward off Alzheimer's with Bridge and Soduko, we're warding it off learning social media, setting up blogs and websites! It's fun!
So please check us out at:
www.MomsofGenY.com